How it goes.

My mother called,
I didn’t answer.
Then came my father
&I let the machine get it.
She said she knows that there
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG

But I couldn’t tell her,
My heart is broken
Out of fear
It would break her heart
To see me hurt
&My father asked
‘is your health ok?’
&of course I said
‘Ya dad. Just some relationship
PROBLEMS’
I can’t seem to relate to anyone
So I lied to my parents
Because they have real
PROBLEMS - &
Then there is the mortgage…
And the electricity isn’t free.

My mother wants me
to talk about it
But I don’t know how to say
I WANT to die
Without her feeling
Like she must have failed me.
But I do want to die.
Not for some grand reason,
but
because
I am tired.

&I know everyone needs to rest
Im just unsure why
Im still alive.
&am waiting to not be
& it NEVER matters...

It never matters
That he thinks im
AMAZING
When what
AMAZES him was not
enough
to keep him here.

&I will cut deeper next time
But first I must wait
Until the time is
RIGHT
When my sister is doing better
&my nephew gains control.
When all their REAL
PROBLEMS are not so
REAL

Now to sit and wait
Until the moment

When I can DISAPPER
…completely