cant break tradition

Can’t break tradition

On Christmas Eve I sat on my couch
Stared at the packages I spent hours wrapping
each perfect in its own way.
I counted the candy canes
and set soft lighting to the sounds of Nina simone.
I burned vanilla oil and made sure my phone was on
I did the dishes and swept the rugs.

On Christmas Eve I sat on my couch
One leg spread out
the other on the floor
I thought about having some brandy and eggnog
thought it might calm me down.
But I didn’t incase you needed me to pick you up.
I watched a candle burn and reorganized my CD's
since there are so many other things i can’t sort out

2 hours later;
I re-did the ribbon on your boxes
I wanted to make sure they were the most beautiful gifts you had seen.
and though I couldn’t afford to eat on Christmas day
I knew you would light up when you saw how much I cared that Christmas eve
but by nightfall the smell of vanilla no longer lingered
and even Nina needed her rest

On Christmas day I awoke to an empty house
except your still wrapped packages.
It was cold so I turned up the furnace and lied back down.
I was hoping to spend it differently this Year.