Mother, in three parts.

I.

And I hold her hand
Throughout the years
And call her names,
That my father resents;
‘Princess’, I call her
Because someone should
Remind her she is royalty
And it breaks my heart
To watch her leave
Or hear her laugh
Through the phone
At situations I cannot see
Or be a part of.
And it tares me up
To hear her laugh
At nothing in particular
From a thousand miles away.
I want to reach her
And make her feel as beautiful
As the love she gives to me
And I want to take care of her
And hold her hand again
Or lay my head on her lap
While she talks on the phone
To relatives and friends
About the day’s events-
Until dinner is ready,
Chicken and rice
Cornbread and cabbage
That diet stuff she
Drinks like water,
But I can’t.
She is too far away.

II.

On Christmas Eve
We sit in front of the fire
While the house is asleep
With eyes like her mother’s
She tells me she misses grandma
And I see her tears well up.
As the fire crackles, and the snow falls.
So I give her the silver pill box
Grandma gave to me as a little boy.
And she weeps, in my arms
And rubs the pillbox
That her mother gave to me
As a reward for helping out,
Decades before.
She studies the engraved roses
Traces the clasp
With her fingers
And for a moment I see her,
This little girl-
Loving her mother
And needing her as much now
As when she was a child.
Needing her mother as much now
As I will need her always.
And I realize we are all children
Trying to recapture mother’s love.


III.

We pose for pictures,
On the way to the airport
And I can’t smile
Any more than I can fly
On golden wings
For fear of showing her
Im not as strong as I seem.
And may not make it
Through another separation…but
She’ll sing a hymn for me
Gospel in soprano
While we drive back to the airport
And I sing a bar too
Like we used to when I was kid.
But now I am a man,
So I turn away before she sees me cry.
Squint my eyes, in the snow and wind.
Leaving her alone, in madness
In chaos and fear-
And I return to my life
to picture her there-
waiting for me.
With that smile that calms me.
With those eyes that look like my own.