Thoughts for Aunt Carolyn

A place for the mind to wander
December 2, 2009
Thoughts for Aunt Carolyn
-…you know very well/ just who you are…”
You sing along,
And I look up at you,
And I don’t know who you are
But I dance anyway
And u pick me up
And you smile a smile,
With teeth like my daddy’s
And then I know you.
And I stare at your mouth
Feeling safe as long
As your grin looks like Dad’s.

“…dont wanna hold you down…”
And you lift me higher
“…reach for the stars…”
And I can see everything
from up here.
a gray cat, rushes by me
a flash of fur at your feet
and I’m intrigued
and want to be put down
to chase this animal
I have never encountered
through hallways decorated
In glass and chess pieces.

7 years old now
and I am big enough
to remember your car;
A black BMW
That sounds like a
Go-cart
and I listened for it
every day, but fell asleep
more often than not
waiting on you,
to come through the doors
and give me a piece of
wintergreen Wrigley’s
from the bottom of your
purse.
Or a piece of hard candy,
like grandpa used to sneak us
while grandma was in the bath.

And though I’ve always been a skeptic
You could make anything true,
like when you took me
to get my shots, after school
and told me to squeeze your finger
as hard as I could
and it really didn’t hurt.
and I didn’t understand why,
so I figured you had magic.
I wanted to keep you close…

Until I was a teen,
and didn’t know what to do
about all these new feelings,
and being treated like a child
when I felt so grown.
But you stuck by me
asking me my opinions
and letting me vent about my family
when no one else was hearing me,
Understanding I needed guidance,
a pat on the back,
and to be taken seriously.
So I tried to organize
all of your papers
and took it seriously
because you trusted my input,
and laughed at my jokes
But no one could seriously
make any progress
on that bottomless box…

Relaxed. I am now a man.
Wearing my lessons, like a second skin
a patina cast onto my face
The fine lines from years of laughter
& moments of fear.
and my reflection becomes
Weathered, broken in.
But you taught me I’m never broken
Only improved with age
like a wine of sacred vineyards.
Only harvested by God
Every grape a memory,
a moment, a pleasure
Written from my dreams
to be shared with loved ones
and romanticized by admirers.
I have grown into a man
all these years later,
But when I think of you
I still feel like the toddler
Dancing in your arms
and “…reaching for the stars…”