Thoughts on a Saturday Night

Up at 4:37

My alarm was set for 4:50

Which is just enough time

To lay in bed and wish this moment would last forever.

The 13 minutes until my day begins…

Get up!  I gotta get up

It’s still dark out,

But I turn over on my pillow and push back my blankets

My dog wakes from the commotion

And I know it’s time to start the day as he shakes out his coat.

Immediately my heart races, and my chest tightens

The rush of anxiety reminds me of my duties

So I get up and let my dog out.

It’s still dark in the backyard and

I fret over coyotes and whatever else is moving in the bushes 30 yards away.

Dog makes it back in

I close the screen door…my coffee should be ready

I drink it quickly out of a sake cup from the Asian store nearby

And every morning I wish my coffee would do more for me.

A stronger jolt, a swifter recovery, a better morning glow

But I don’t have time to focus on that

It’s time to head to work

Menial tasks, impossible requirements, tedious mistakes

And then it’s over and –

I can go back home, always in a rush to get back home.

But why?

There is no one waiting for me.

No one to smile as I walk through the garage door.

No one to ask about my mind…

And then there is the paperwork to be done

I have every intention of finishing it…

But I have a beer instead.

I just, I just got to do something to stop this vice from popping my heart

This loneliness from causing me to breakdown in public,

So I lay down for a few minutes

And imagine it will be alright.

I text him, but he doesn't respond

And I’m not angry, just lonely.

Not mad, just yearning.

So I have another drink-

And stare at my coursework

As it lies incomplete on my bed.

And feel guilty about my coursework

As I lie incomplete on my bed

And I text him a second time,

Thinking his phone is in the other room

And hoping a second beep will catch his attention But…

It doesn't.