ripped

I was dormant for many seasons
Waiting to be cultivated
now as delicate buds have began to bloom
I believe it is the first breath of my spring
Though I feel the winter moon
But I see what I choose
Which Is why I only focus on you
It’s easier to forget about me
Im an after-thought
A plan 'b'
Not depended on
But kept around just the same
A form of first-aid
I’m your tourniquet
From his cuts
For your blood
But we never clot.
Now I’m left with these wounds
And I want to sew them shut
Still I bleed for only you
I know this is the greatest I have been
The truest my heart has pumped
But I cannot speak
When words fail me and I am stymied
Stuck on the details
Never knowing if I am the bigger picture
If this is the last breath of my spring
And tomorrow’s race never comes.
Then it will have been love
Though you say it isn’t
So my perception must be bruised.
And I shouldn’t rely on what I see
But on what I believe.

On the Eve of it all

Felix:

On Christmas Eve I picked you up from work
You were standing outside,
Covered in the cold of a holiday’s night.
We thawed out in my living room
Melting away the outside world’s influence.
I was warm and tipsy,
mostly from your kisses and partly from wine.
But it felt right.
And there was music playing .
So I was locked to your side
Like a child watching the skies
Waiting for a glimpse of Christmas
But I was scared
Not knowing when you would leave.
Or when he would call.
Last night I fell in love with you
I know you will think it’s premature
But I am wise enough to see.
This is nothing juvenile or based on lust
Not love at first sight or first kiss.
But love, just the same
Could you disagree?
I want to unnerve you like you do to me
And protect you from the thieves in our path;
The ones who are desperate,
Yet give you nothing
and leave with everything.
Now, as I lay beside you
I embrace my vulnerability
I am less concerned about tomorrow;
And my appearance
Or others discouraging words.
And while I know you are mine only in part
I trust you and worry not about him
but about your touch.
Lying here, you slumber gracefully,
I know this is my contentment.
I lay awake, giddy and overjoyed
My apprehension fades away
And if for only a moment I feel beautiful
from the reflections of your grace.

cant break tradition

Can’t break tradition

On Christmas Eve I sat on my couch
Stared at the packages I spent hours wrapping
each perfect in its own way.
I counted the candy canes
and set soft lighting to the sounds of Nina simone.
I burned vanilla oil and made sure my phone was on
I did the dishes and swept the rugs.

On Christmas Eve I sat on my couch
One leg spread out
the other on the floor
I thought about having some brandy and eggnog
thought it might calm me down.
But I didn’t incase you needed me to pick you up.
I watched a candle burn and reorganized my CD's
since there are so many other things i can’t sort out

2 hours later;
I re-did the ribbon on your boxes
I wanted to make sure they were the most beautiful gifts you had seen.
and though I couldn’t afford to eat on Christmas day
I knew you would light up when you saw how much I cared that Christmas eve
but by nightfall the smell of vanilla no longer lingered
and even Nina needed her rest

On Christmas day I awoke to an empty house
except your still wrapped packages.
It was cold so I turned up the furnace and lied back down.
I was hoping to spend it differently this Year.

Felix

Im not searching for a lost city
Not in need of some foreign shore
I do not wish to seek fortune
What I got right here with you is so much more.

There is no craving of sugared delights
No licorice whips or chocolate dipped kiss
No taste on earth comes close to this.
Its only you in my sights.

My heart feels no longing
So I don’t stray too far
I just took of soaring
Baby I’m headed to where you are

Set in my ways

I am convinced of nothing.
Time has changed the season's fury,
but not my heart's.
Days seem to blend together.
They are melting into one continuous reminder of you,
a reminder that I am alone.
Day in and day out the world is passing me by...
offering me new chances at life,
giving me the opportunities to change everything
but, still...
I remain convinced of nothing

How I was

It was never an easy task.
The mundane had settled in
and the uniqueness of life no longer affected him.
There could be no role as draining as his.
He was a junkie and didn't know it.

Life had become fuzzy
He was detuned from emoting
And no matter how he adjusted the signal
He would always see snow
Snow where there was no cloud to birth it

Smoke became comforting to him;
Billowing from ceramic pipes or broken light bulbs
In deep jaundiced plumes spread across the room
Stagnating in indifference and chemical residue

Too little chemistry had provided heartache
But two little puffs provided big joy
And when the joy wore off there was nothingness
And that oblivion was always better than tangibility.

He was mostly alive but never really lived
Just ‘made it’ day to day in a dream state
A fugue of regret and self destructive ambitions;
star-crossed as a perfect demise.

Soon he waited for his conclusion
Death became his unknowing suitor
And he longed for the cold touch of finality
Became captivated with it.

But death never came
Though the drugs always did;
Encompassing his existence.
Alas sorrow swallowed his nothingness
For pain always exceeds pleasure
And he was left broken and manic

He was a junkie and didn’t know it

How I see it

Often it’s true
The heart can fill anew,
Replacing the flames of yesteryear.
This gives way to self doubt;
Start questioning what you’re all about
When the only thing you mean to be is sincere

It weighs on the mind
When one was not seeking but still finds
A course of action to remedy our ills
Still we must seek a domain
Where peace extinguishes pain
so new seeds can be sewn in the field

There will come a time when this story is spun
when what you knew has come undone
and no tomorrows remain where decisions may run.
I will be the continent that anchors you
And I have only just begun.