Mother, in three parts.

I.

And I hold her hand
Throughout the years
And call her names,
That my father resents;
‘Princess’, I call her
Because someone should
Remind her she is royalty
And it breaks my heart
To watch her leave
Or hear her laugh
Through the phone
At situations I cannot see
Or be a part of.
And it tares me up
To hear her laugh
At nothing in particular
From a thousand miles away.
I want to reach her
And make her feel as beautiful
As the love she gives to me
And I want to take care of her
And hold her hand again
Or lay my head on her lap
While she talks on the phone
To relatives and friends
About the day’s events-
Until dinner is ready,
Chicken and rice
Cornbread and cabbage
That diet stuff she
Drinks like water,
But I can’t.
She is too far away.

II.

On Christmas Eve
We sit in front of the fire
While the house is asleep
With eyes like her mother’s
She tells me she misses grandma
And I see her tears well up.
As the fire crackles, and the snow falls.
So I give her the silver pill box
Grandma gave to me as a little boy.
And she weeps, in my arms
And rubs the pillbox
That her mother gave to me
As a reward for helping out,
Decades before.
She studies the engraved roses
Traces the clasp
With her fingers
And for a moment I see her,
This little girl-
Loving her mother
And needing her as much now
As when she was a child.
Needing her mother as much now
As I will need her always.
And I realize we are all children
Trying to recapture mother’s love.


III.

We pose for pictures,
On the way to the airport
And I can’t smile
Any more than I can fly
On golden wings
For fear of showing her
Im not as strong as I seem.
And may not make it
Through another separation…but
She’ll sing a hymn for me
Gospel in soprano
While we drive back to the airport
And I sing a bar too
Like we used to when I was kid.
But now I am a man,
So I turn away before she sees me cry.
Squint my eyes, in the snow and wind.
Leaving her alone, in madness
In chaos and fear-
And I return to my life
to picture her there-
waiting for me.
With that smile that calms me.
With those eyes that look like my own.

Untitled

I went for a walk
Near the capitol
Hoping to get the
Ideas clear on
What I should do
With you, at my house.
The sky was heavy
Clouds ready to spill
Leaded drops, enlightenment
Rain on me
Rain on me
I stuck out my tongue
& the drop never came
But the clouds fell to earth
And lay all around me
Puddles along the curb
Vibrating as I step over them
Running toward the bus
A sprinkle marred my shoe
A reminder of
the no strings attached
roll in the hay
I was heading toward.
And as the sky was brooding
I was its muse,
Feeling darkly,
I too billowed across
Bustling city blocks
Until I hit
25th street &
Made a left toward my house
But remembered I
Would need to be drunk
To do what
Had to be done.
6 pack in hand
I unlocked my door
And began to undress.

Thoughts for Aunt Carolyn

A place for the mind to wander
December 2, 2009
Thoughts for Aunt Carolyn
-…you know very well/ just who you are…”
You sing along,
And I look up at you,
And I don’t know who you are
But I dance anyway
And u pick me up
And you smile a smile,
With teeth like my daddy’s
And then I know you.
And I stare at your mouth
Feeling safe as long
As your grin looks like Dad’s.

“…dont wanna hold you down…”
And you lift me higher
“…reach for the stars…”
And I can see everything
from up here.
a gray cat, rushes by me
a flash of fur at your feet
and I’m intrigued
and want to be put down
to chase this animal
I have never encountered
through hallways decorated
In glass and chess pieces.

7 years old now
and I am big enough
to remember your car;
A black BMW
That sounds like a
Go-cart
and I listened for it
every day, but fell asleep
more often than not
waiting on you,
to come through the doors
and give me a piece of
wintergreen Wrigley’s
from the bottom of your
purse.
Or a piece of hard candy,
like grandpa used to sneak us
while grandma was in the bath.

And though I’ve always been a skeptic
You could make anything true,
like when you took me
to get my shots, after school
and told me to squeeze your finger
as hard as I could
and it really didn’t hurt.
and I didn’t understand why,
so I figured you had magic.
I wanted to keep you close…

Until I was a teen,
and didn’t know what to do
about all these new feelings,
and being treated like a child
when I felt so grown.
But you stuck by me
asking me my opinions
and letting me vent about my family
when no one else was hearing me,
Understanding I needed guidance,
a pat on the back,
and to be taken seriously.
So I tried to organize
all of your papers
and took it seriously
because you trusted my input,
and laughed at my jokes
But no one could seriously
make any progress
on that bottomless box…

Relaxed. I am now a man.
Wearing my lessons, like a second skin
a patina cast onto my face
The fine lines from years of laughter
& moments of fear.
and my reflection becomes
Weathered, broken in.
But you taught me I’m never broken
Only improved with age
like a wine of sacred vineyards.
Only harvested by God
Every grape a memory,
a moment, a pleasure
Written from my dreams
to be shared with loved ones
and romanticized by admirers.
I have grown into a man
all these years later,
But when I think of you
I still feel like the toddler
Dancing in your arms
and “…reaching for the stars…”