How it goes.

My mother called,
I didn’t answer.
Then came my father
&I let the machine get it.
She said she knows that there
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG

But I couldn’t tell her,
My heart is broken
Out of fear
It would break her heart
To see me hurt
&My father asked
‘is your health ok?’
&of course I said
‘Ya dad. Just some relationship
PROBLEMS’
I can’t seem to relate to anyone
So I lied to my parents
Because they have real
PROBLEMS - &
Then there is the mortgage…
And the electricity isn’t free.

My mother wants me
to talk about it
But I don’t know how to say
I WANT to die
Without her feeling
Like she must have failed me.
But I do want to die.
Not for some grand reason,
but
because
I am tired.

&I know everyone needs to rest
Im just unsure why
Im still alive.
&am waiting to not be
& it NEVER matters...

It never matters
That he thinks im
AMAZING
When what
AMAZES him was not
enough
to keep him here.

&I will cut deeper next time
But first I must wait
Until the time is
RIGHT
When my sister is doing better
&my nephew gains control.
When all their REAL
PROBLEMS are not so
REAL

Now to sit and wait
Until the moment

When I can DISAPPER
…completely

Reflections While in the Lobby of the Capitol.

I’m looking for a cause,
&am finding cyber revolutions
Anarchists creating a new digital world order
One blog at a time.
No more taking to the streets-
(It’s too expensive to organize).
Where the brave can be seen and counted on
Instead we have formed a web
& the earth is caught…
In the grips of any politician savvy enough to organize a pod cast.
From the comfort of some distant office,
with air conditioning and potted plants
An American flag framed (just for nostalgia).
Executive suites
Executive Decisions
Executive Bathroom
Because importance is shown with titles.

The prick next to me smiles smugly
his duty:
Act impressed on the interview
(He) already has the job
Since he has a friend,
Who knows the guy
that signs the checks.
Of every other prick,
Who smiles smugly in a common lobby.
With a college degree,
That is more for looks
Than a decree of knowledge.

I am self taught-
A drop out, because I can’t shape up
And tune out
My own voice: the real world
In its digital order
And ‘How To’ instructions
How To:
Become a corporate shell
Live off the fat of the land
Work from home
Exploit the impoverished.

Slaves that do not understand mergers
& stocks and the Whiteness…
But understand payday loans
At 20% on the dollar.
& I’m sure the prick supports free enterprise.
&prefers you have the illusion of security
Even at 20% on the dollar
It should be just enough to keep you hungry
A fact they don’t want you to know.
But hunger is common knowledge
Even without a degree
So this prick is what happens
When the fat have all the fruit
And the starving sifts through the rinds.

Suddenly his smile seems sinister
And is more of a sneer.
That same look
Dirty old men give ripe young girls
The right before I Fuck you look
It’s the right before I Fuck you over look.
The vulture waiting for the dying to become carrion.

The Prick wants to know,
‘Are you here to interview for the customer service job?’
I say ‘Nah’ & sneer,
with my own
Right before I choke your dreams with my cock look.
I say,
‘I’m here about the REVOLUTION’.

A Prayer to come to terms.

Yes.
I am.
I am fine.
There are no worries.
So what’s left to discuss?
I do not need a friend.
These are not tears you see forming.
I learned early on to cry on queue.
More importantly I learned early on to not cry. Ever.

Parents.
Hold me.
Please love me.
Be proud of me.
Take an interest in me.
Remember that I am the child.
Don’t forget you never taught me how…
How to be alright in the world alone
How to be alright with the care of another.
How to be a man I can be proud of.

Sister.
Last night.
I was dreaming.
And you were dead.
And I sincerely grieved you.
Though I never knew you really.
And I forgave you for my childhood
That our parents spent tending only to you;
I see irony when my dreams are of you.
Because even while dreaming, my thoughts neglect to mention me.

Lover.
Watch me.
Be less amused.
And more so concerned.
With whom I will be.
I often confuse what I am.
So it’s always hard to know me.
When love is only a four letter word
And my books have pages missing- no index, sorry.
But please love me, please see me… Lover, watch me.

God.
Thank you.
For that moment.
For the rushing wind
That filled my dubious lungs
The light that bathed my room.
Thank you for Jesus in the curtains.
I needed to seep those tears like rain.
I promise I was not crying on queue.
Even though I learned how to do so early on.