a strand of thoughts over 3 months.

I wonder if
this is how you want me?
when the blade broke
& the cop let me off
& the visions started...
which were not images
but only emotions
&these endless words
that I obsess over
but cannot stop,
would kill to bring back
should they leave.

&then their was
the discovery of Sartre
&the insanity
that always accompanies
'genius'
all these gifts,
that I cant control

so now im searching
for you, Lord.
have you found me?

I searched for U
in the arms of my muse
&destroyed the spark
he was alive to prove.
My muse became the demon,
That gnashed like teeth,
On the meaty tits
Of my suburban dreams.

I slept w a minister
And feel no closer
To God,
Than I did before
He met this sinner.
But I do feel emptier
Than before it began
So maybe he took my demon
And now im hallow
And can start over
& continue my search...

Last Night I was called to bed
My dreams were waiting for me.
I closed my eyes
&U were dead
Stopped, suspended in my memory only.
The child was alone
And the tears kept coming


I was told
it was a breakthrough
I got down on my knees
I prayed through the wind
The breeze expanding my drapes
afternoon sun, making them glow
&I took it for a sign
as poets often do.
U found me, Lord.
But the drapes,
they stopped billowing,
& I cried, missing the wind.


afterward I looked at my bookshelf
and searched for Jesus in its Wood grain.

another laugh

I Went home
& opened the windows
my apartment was stuffy
& I was sweaty
From my bike ride home.

My plants were looking limp
&needed some watering
So I wiped my brow &
Gave them some water

I remembered a joke
But my house was empty
So it faded before I could
Share it.

But I didn’t care really
Cause my gums were tender
and I was still sober
so I reached for a high
and my gums started bleeding
and my mind went wondering
while I stood over the sink
spitting up rust flavored plasma
in my stuffy apartment
where the plants were just watered
but they still looked limp
so I thought I must be projecting
my condition to the plants.

But I remembered my joke
And laughed alone
Though I looked like a vampire –
blood pooling on the perimeter of my
Canines.
& I laughed alone
Because I was high
& am always amused,
When things take a turn
For the worse
Hoping for a sign of the end.